


David's Diary

by SamuelJames



Series: David's Journey [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: BDSM, Blindfolds, Consent Issues In A Fantasy, Diary/Journal, Disordered Eating, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Flogging, Ireland's Equal Marriage Referendum, M/M, Memory Of Homophobic Attitudes, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Previous Abusive Relationship, Spanking, Wax Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:58:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5607679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuelJames/pseuds/SamuelJames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David was asked to keep a diary by his Dom. He details their relationship and the issues carried over from a past abusive relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	David's Diary

**Author's Note:**

> _Title: David's Diary_   
>  _Pairing: Tom Keating/David Lyons_   
>  _Rating: 18+ but largely reflections on smut due to diary format._   
>  _Summary: David was asked to keep a diary by his Dom. He details their relationship and the issues carried over from a past abusive relationship._   
>  _Kinks: Dom/sub relationship. Mentions flogging, blindfolds, spanking, orgasm denial and wax play. David recalls homophobic attitudes and details a past fantasy with consent issues._   
>  _Warning: Deals with disordered eating as David's previous Dom was controlling about food._   
>  _Disclaimer: These original characters are my own creation._   
>  _Archiving Information: Please do not archive elsewhere on the net or in other formats/languages._

**Thursday January 1  
** I thought this would be easy when you gave me the diary as one of my Christmas gifts but I don't know what to write. Even though we had to work lots of days over Christmas I loved the traditions we've begun for ourselves like opening a present at midnight on the 25th and then the rest after breakfast.

I liked that you asked my opinion on decorations and well that doesn't sound right. I don't think that you normally discount my opinion but it was nice to choose things together. If this were last year I'd be hungover right now after a party that wasn't even that enjoyable. I think I already told you about spending New Year's Eve with Matt's family and how miserable I was.

Last night, with you was lovely, to sit with you drinking wine and listening to music hearing the fireworks every so often. It was understated and probably something I would have dismissed as old-fashioned or boring before. It was perfect though. Thank you, Tom.

 **Sunday January 4  
** So some skipped days there but I'm glad you said this doesn't have to be everyday. Today's talk about what I get from submitting to you was good. I'd never quite put it into words like that before. Obviously I knew it on some level but I don't think I ever really understood how much I like following orders. It's the best way for me to know for sure that I'm making you happy. 

 **Wednesday January 7**  
I'm sorry that I vented my work frustrations at you. I shouldn't have, I'm old enough to deal with my boss myself. Thank you for listening though. Mark's usually great but I guess everyone has their off days

 **Monday January 12**  
It's weird that you're watching me write. Possibly further punishment to make me sit on my spanked arse. It was exactly what I needed though. I feel right again. I wish I could more eloquently describe the feeling of contentment. I'm so lucky to have you.  
  
**Tuesday January 13**  
I told Emma about us, well about the Dom/sub stuff and her reaction shocked me. She started talking about abusive relationships and I had to stop her. She was trying to twist what we have, what I've always wanted, into something sick. I never told her about the way Matt treated me, I was too ashamed. I just couldn't take her attitude though, the comparison between you and him was too much.

She asked why I would let you hurt me, never even considering what I want and need. She said something must have made me this way. I tried to tell her that you love me and respect me but she wouldn't listen. She hurt me, I know some people get negative reactions but I didn't expect it from my best friend. If you'd seen the look of disgust on her face. I mean she's met you and liked you and now all of a sudden is questioning why I'm with you. I never thought she'd be so judgemental. I wish you were here. That sounds like blame, it isn't. I know work is important. I suppose I just want comfort from you.

 **Friday January 16**  
Thanks for letting me wallow and then pulling me back from it when you saw that I needed it. I could understand someone having questions or perhaps not understanding everything but she didn't even want to listen. Last night grounded me, made my brain switch off and focus on us, on you. You're right when you say I can't take back telling her. It still hurts but I won't dwell on it (much).

Now for your question on the experience of being blindfolded for longer than usual. I'm used to the strangeness at the start. I always miss seeing your smile or looking into your eyes but because it was for much longer I stopped focusing on the sounds and trying to figure out where you were. The wax was a shock but I think I would have thought about it too much if I could see what you were doing. I was so aware of your hands on me and then your lips. I lost myself in the sensations of being touched and kissed and licked.

Being blindfolded helps because usually I'm trying to figure out if I'm making it good for you but I loved last night because I just let myself feel sensations. It's always good but I felt spoiled, indulged. I'm glad you weren't freaked out by the tears when you removed the blindfold. They surprised me too but it was really intense. I feel like we've moved up a level. I'd definitely wouldn't be averse to the blindfold getting more use.

 **Tuesday January 20**  
You're right that I should write this down just to get my head around it. Even if she couldn't accept us Emma had no right to tell my parents. I wanted to figure out the right way to talk to them. I thought they might not understand and now I'll never get to tell them my way. They don't need to know what we do in bed, only that I'm happy and you're the bossy one in our relationship.

My mam sounded horrified. I couldn't believe she compared us to something she saw on Law & Order, like cop shows represent our lifestyle well. At least they're willing to meet you and to listen to me. I'm so angry with Emma, she's out of my life for good.

 **Tuesday February 10**  
I didn't mean for it to be this long and I shouldn't have needed reminding when you've explained why you want me to do this. I've deleted all her texts but I don't know why Emma keeps trying to call me. I could never trust her again. Even if it came from a place of concern, she should have let me talk.  
  
You're right maybe that I need to get some of this stuff out of my head. I hate that it's like I suddenly can't visit my mam and dad, that she keeps putting off meeting you. I thought she was willing to listen but it really seems like she's avoiding me. I hate that she thinks of me as a victim and of you as... It's not fair that she doesn't know how much you give me what I need. I try to be good for you and I didn't even keep this diary properly but she made it seem like we were perverse. I know I've been tired all the time between that project at work and then not sleeping and I'm sorry that there hasn't been much time for us.

It's nearly Valentine's and I keep seeing bloody hearts and cards and chocolates everywhere. It makes me feel guilty that I've been venting to you so much and I'm so grateful that you've listened. I'd like to do something nice but the fact that I'm writing this at 3am says something.

 **Thursday February 12**  
So I got you something but I'm not going to write it in here because spoilers. This 50 Shades shit is the worst timing because mam asked if she should go see it to try and understand my life. I mean it's good that she's downgraded from protective anger to wanting to know but no, it'd be like me getting her and dad's marriage because I watched some Maeve Binchy adaptation where people from a small country town end up together.

In work, my team continues to be the bane of my life. Jack knew we had a deadline and just fucking phoned in sick. If it was genuine I'd be sympathetic but he was out with some of the others from work last night. Even if I was dying with a hangover I'd still crawl to work and make some effort. Omar and Alison helped cover his stuff so I still might have my days off next week (hopefully).  
  
**Sunday February 15**  
Thank you so much for last night. Is that an indication of how future celebrations will go? If so I'm looking forward to it. I tried to say it all but I wasn't very coherent through the tears and dinner was lovely. I love that you didn't spring some dinner out on me and let me help so I'd know exactly what I was having. I wish it still didn't matter but it meant so much that you considered it when making plans. I'm glad you liked the shirts and the teddy was so sweet, even if you did gag the poor thing. I'm sure we'll have fun using it. Being over your knee was so cathartic.

 **Wednesday February 18  
** We look to be on track for finishing Friday. I swear the taxi drivers are far too used to me needing to get home at 2am. At least we can claim them on expenses. I talked to Mark about my week off and if all the tests are fine on the new system tomorrow and Friday I can take the time. A new system always causes problems but every department who have tested it have been able to access their reports. It's your lot that'll be the big test since Client Services need so many different types of report.

 **Friday February 20  
** So it may have been after 11 when I left but a whole week off, can't wait.

 **Saturday February 21  
** I know this is supposed to be reflective but I'm still processing and being gagged is something I'm still wrapping my head around. I can get past the physical discomfort but I felt weird when you kissed me, it. I couldn't kiss you back or smile at you and I knew you would have stopped if I dropped your tie on the bed and that felt good, to know there wasn't even a hint of any trust issues. I did like the way you looked at me and in the pictures you took I liked how dirty I looked with my lips stretched. It did add something I think but took away the impulsiveness of kissing you and that's one of my very favourite things.

 **Tuesday February 24**  
I fucked up. I really fucked up. I hate that you'll be angry or worse disappointed because letting you down is the worst feeling. Not even sure when you'll land and I hate that this is even in here but you said it has to reflect my journey or whatever.

4ish  
I wanted a text but I guess I knew you'd call and I didn't want to hear the disappointment in your voice but I'll do what you ask and write an account. Hope tomorrow's meetings go well and you're not distracted.  
  
Sorry is too small a word, insufficient and unfit for purpose but I am truly sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with me while you're at work as though I'm a child who can't be trusted. I knew you wouldn't be cross but I'd have preferred it. This didn't happen because you're away. Of course I miss you but client visits aren't very often and it makes sense for them to schedule a few of your French client visits together. I know I must tell you if something happens but you shouldn't have had to find time away from Louise or your clients to call me. I hope you won't be too worried and that your meeting tomorrow goes well.  
  
A straightforward report is way below your word count and we both know why but here's what happened. The day started off good, getting to sleep late and then checking the housework list you left me. I had breakfast and was watching TV, wondering if Jeremy Kyle's guests are real. I mean some of them have to be at least exaggerated versions of themselves. I rambled there for a bit but it was just a normal morning. It sort of started when I looked at Twitter and saw something about eating disorder awareness week and all I could think of was I'm free of Matt. He doesn't get to control my food intake any more and I could have whatever I wanted. The only problem was I didn't actually want a tub of Pringles and an Easter egg. This wasn't like grabbing a bar when I stopped somewhere for petrol. I didn't even eat the Double Deckers, just the egg. The bars are in the press because I want to prove to both of us that I can have crap there and not eat it.  
  
Pringles are always moreish and you keep going even when you feel yuck. The egg wasn't that nice either, the first few pieces were but by the end I felt sick. I wanted to throw up just to feel better but I didn't. Don't be pleased to read that. It wasn't because I thought of myself or the setbacks it might cause. It's because you made me promise not to. When you realised that I'd carried this issue over into our relationship, you were really good about it. We got through Christmas with extra chocolates/biscuits etc and I guess I thought I'd mostly left it behind us - at least the eating just for the sake of it part. The calorie counting is harder to let go of and I sometimes see you notice it but not in a judging way.  
  
I know you wouldn't have minded if I actually wanted that much chocolate but I hate that he's had this lasting impact on me. I never hear much about disordered eating but I had been getting better at not restricting myself. I wanted to puke to just feel less full not because of the calories. Maybe that's some sort of fucked up progress.  
  
I'm not saying all those calories are good for me but I'm not scared of you looking at me to see if I pass inspection. I know that I don't have to look a certain way to be loved by you. I can't blame him completely. These issues originated with him but he didn't buy all that crap and then shove it down my throat. I used to be confident about the way I looked, even when I was in school. I was lucky not to stress about it, especially as your teenage years are spots and awkward boners. I don't know why I let him get to me but I do know that hearing criticism over and over wears you down. I still don't really get what his end goal was, just to make me need him perhaps. I walked away and I have in you someone who tells me I am loved, who gives me boundaries but flags any changes or discussions of such way ahead of time. I don't feel blind-sided when we're alone, you're not nice to me with other people around and hyper-critical once we're alone.  
  
It's really unfair to make you worry when you're away for work. You've shown me so much love that I should be used to that now. I feel loved, cherished even. Sometimes the way you look at me is just so amazing. I don't expect to be criticised about what I eat but I guess I do still think about calories and I can't unknow what I've learned about nutrition. The stuff I binged on was crap, just sugary bad for you crap. You don't assess me though and I have regained a lot of my body confidence. I do think about what I'm eating but not really because I think about putting on weight or anything. I'm lucky that I don't have a warped view of what I look like. I'm not someone fading away who still sees a fat person in the mirror. It was all coming from him so it was more about fitting his ideal. I knew what he wanted me to be like and he did make me feel as though I was letting him down but I don't want to hide myself from you. I feel quite confident naked. I love the way you look at me.  
  
Disappointing you is like this heavy feeling in my stomach, guilt I guess. I know you worry and try to accommodate my issues but I wish I had thought more this morning instead of reacting. It wasn't completely spontaneous though, I had to actually go and buy the stuff. I wanted it to be a fuck you to someone who doesn't even know that I binged today. It doesn't make sense but in that moment I didn't consider myself or us.  
  
Being submissive requires effort of course but mostly I just show up knowing I can trust whatever you've planned. Being a Dom or my Dom at least must be so tiring. You have to plan our play, take me to my limits, work on my wants, keep all my limits in mind and work around the food stuff. I know you don't switch off from that but I know you'll probably worry till you get back and see me, talk to me face to face. I know that you love me and I'm working on valuing myself. I didn't skip lunch or anything which I would have done before and I think maybe we could make a plan.  
  
I really miss pizza, the taste might take me back to being shouted at and being examined in front of the mirror so he could show me my "flaws" and shame me for eating. It'll either be that or amazing and I don't want foods to be off limits but I can't stop the calorie counting in my head right away.  
  
One of our rules is that I have to take care of myself though and I don't always find that easy. If I think about it being an order it makes eating easier. It isn't even all the time but binging like I did today, shovelling in Pringles while acidy chocolate was stinging the back of my throat, that was being free in a destructive way.

I just want to say yet again that it was purely down to me and not because you aren't here. I've never lied to you so you can trust me on this. If you'd been at work or even at home while I went out, I'd still have splurged. It was wanting crap food in that moment, not because I missed you. I know we'll have to talk things through and I'm not looking forward to seeing your disappointment but I know it comes from a place of love and concern.

 **Wednesday February 25**  
I really hope your visit went well. I didn't under-eat but I didn't enjoy my food either. My stomach is in knots.

 **Thursday February 26**  
I want you to be home and yet as your arrival times gets nearer I'm getting more nervous. I even cleaned the fridge this morning to give me something to do.

 **Friday February 27**  
I'm waiting for your reaction, a punishment or a lecture or something. You were so lovely about everything yesterday and I know you'll need to deal with me. I don't want to be your problem

 **Saturday February 28**  
So I've been awake since seven and I spent ages just watching you sleep (not in the creepy Joey's roommate way). It's nearly nine and I guess you'll be up soon. Back to work on Monday and I didn't even enjoy my days off really. I ruined my own days off and yesterday I knew you weren't angry but like I said already I don't want to be a problem you have to deal with.

 **Sunday March 1  
** I'm sorry I shouted yesterday. You made me angry by being so calm and I wanted you to yell or tell me how I screwed up or something. Thank you again for accepting my apology but I'm blushing now just thinking of my behaviour. You put so much work into finding articles and strategies that might help and I just wanted you to be angry so it'd be over and done with. I'll get used to being supported, being loved and your way of dealing with things.

I shouldn't have asked you to spank me either, you're right about it being strictly pleasure or punishment and I like it too much to do without. I wouldn't want to associate it with times like this either, times when I'm my own worst critic. I'm relieved we finally talked and I'll try to be a bit more relaxed with food.

 **Wednesday March 4  
** So Jack got fired today which may mean more work until we hire someone. Can't believe he looked at porn on a work computer. Thankfully I'm caught up on my e-mails and tomorrow we've compliance training so it should be good. Hope they find someone soon, especially as Alison already has time booked off for her honeymoon.

I was kind of nervous about trying the pizza. I hadn't meant that I should try it and get it over with but it was good. I enjoyed it and  I never could eat more than five slices before so it's not me rationing or anything. Thanks for not springing it on me. Can't believe your first choice was Hawaiian. We'll have to go half and half in future.

 **Saturday March 7**  
When I was in town earlier I looked at loads of Mother's Day cards and I ended up not getting one. So many were about being loving and supportive and I couldn't bring myself to buy one. I will find something and get a gift voucher or something but I haven't heard from her in ages. I know you mentioned inviting my parents for dinner that day but it could end up being a disaster.

 **Sunday March 8**  
Last night was fun, having to be so controlled because ribbons aren't effective restraints. I really liked the softness of the satin and how it felt when you were measuring it and cutting it, assessing me almost to see what would work. Matt used to examine me for flaws but you look at me with love. After when you were undoing the ribbons I loved your hands on me giving me goosebumps and grounding me. I had the best night's sleep I've had in ages.

 **Tuesday March 10**  
Was asked to sit in on an interview today, someone from Fund Accounting looking to move department. She seemed really keen and had done a small project in her own department. Mark asked most of the questions because I've never done that before but afterwards he asked my thoughts. Hopefully we've found our new person.  
  
**Thursday March 12**  
I know you wanted me to ask but Mother's Day is maybe not the best day to meet her. Don't want to be accused of hijacking her day. I'm still not sure what I'd say and thanks for understanding why. Maybe Easter instead, have a Sunday dinner. I like your idea of the letter, might just take me a while to do it.

 **Friday March 13**  
Agnieszka starts with us next week and I'm going to train her. Our next project is to look at all the procedures that the different departments have in place and see if the training for new hires etc can be standardised. We'll have to meet with different business managers because some stuff is business specific but it'll be a good way for her to start and get to know a bit about the other departments.

Supposedly the logic is that any randomer from any department could take a procedure from Cash or Unit Trusts or whoever and follow all the steps to produce a report, check for breaks etc as long as they had the right system access. It'll be interesting if nothing else. Some teams don't want it because it'll mean their staff can be borrowed by other departments. Guess the managers will have to fight that out but it's still a bit of a way off. 

 **Sunday March 15**  
So that was a tense phone call but we're confirmed for Easter. I told her that I'm really happy and I tried to emulate you and be calm. I just hate the tension.  
  
The card I sent was so generic in the end and she has been loving in the past.

 **Tuesday March 17**  
Yay for a day off. I was in the parade with my football club when I was nine or ten. It lashed rain of course and we were fucking freezing. Watching it on the telly is much better.

Thanks for dinner and for not pushing me to finish it. It's getting easier I think to eat stuff prepared by someone else. I'm not restaurant ready yet, so much extra calories in butter etc. I'll get there though.

 **Wednesday March 18**  
Well those ribbons are ruined from the wax and probably the sheet too. We should keep an old sheet just for that.

 **Saturday March 21**  
Glad we didn't stay out too late last night so no hangover today. Work nights out are so much better on a Friday though you'll be a bit screwed with three people finishing up. I know Dieter is a tough manager but there'll be nobody left in Client Services at this rate, well in his team. You're lucky that Louise is much more approachable.

 **Tuesday March 24**  
I like this stage of projects, the preparatory documents and testing plans. At least this part is predictable. I haven't been ignoring the idea of the letter and I'll get it done. There's things, private things, that I would never tell her but some stuff about submission in general terms might help.

 **Friday March 27**  
Glad of a lie-in tomorrow and I will work on my letter to get it done. I at least have to have some idea of what I want to say to her next week.

 **Saturday March 28**  
Mam sent me a link to the Dwyer case coverage. I don't think she thinks we or you are like that, more that BDSM could be putting me in a vulnerable position but he is scum and gives proper Doms a bad name. Just a sadist using it to do what he did.

Dear Mam,

You and dad have always been supportive, especially when I came out. Nobody wants to talk about sex with their parents but what I have with Tom fills a need I have. I feel happiest when I'm with someone who I can safely surrender control to.

Submission isn't me giving in to someone's desires to hurt me, it's getting to experience bliss and joy by knowing that I'm with someone who loves me and who cares about me.

Tom loves me, he listens to my wants and needs. There was someone before who manipulated me but I walked away from him. Being submissive isn't meekly going along with someone just because you've agreed to have a Dom/sub relationship. I think you worry about me being hurt and see my collar as him making me wear it. It's not the case at all. Yes it means I am his but it means that we are in this long-term, that he wants me and that I have it as a gift from him to show me what I mean to him.

He has never hurt me in a way I didn't want and this is the too much information part. Yes he's spanked me and sometimes left bruises but all because we've agreed that in advance. People are so diverse that you can't expect everyone to want to have sex the same way. Even you and dad must have things you like in bed, much as I don't want to think about it.

Tom is stern but not controlling, strict but loving and has never breached my trust. I love him and he loves me. You don't need to worry and the easiest way to do that is to get to know him.

David

Obviously I can never send her that but I do know now some of what I want to say.

 **Sunday March 29**  
Thanks for your feedback on the letter. Like I said it's obviously not all stuff I could reasonably say to her but it's important that she sees us as a couple and not a concept. I don't want her to worry about me or judge you.

It feels weird sometimes to write stuff down that I've already said to you but I'm trying to do what you ask and document where I'm at, where we're at. Can't believe it'll be a year in July since that first meeting. I was so nervous coming here, giving myself over to someone again and you saw that. I know you'll never reveal your secrets but you just saw how much I wanted you and how scared I was and handled it brilliantly.

I got so lucky with you and I hate that Easter is hanging over us.

 **Monday March 30**  
The 66 takes forever sometimes and yet I made it home first. Guess I can forget that when this project picks up speed. I'd make dinner if you hadn't told me not to. A takeaway is a challenge and I'm already wondering what you'll choose. I know you said I don't have to eat it all and being at home is a safe space to try eating more.

Sunday will have to be a lot to eat too. Mam will be watching me. Everyone through the door of our house gets offered food, nearly the entire contents of the fridge listed for them. If she thinks I'm not eating then she'll say something. At least we'll be making it and I'll have some degree of portion control.

 **Wednesday April 1**  
Can't believe Mark did a whole fake resignation thing. He was so serious that none of us believed it was just a prank.

 **Thursday April 2**  
I know it would get boring if it was every day of work, dinner etc but tonight was really nice. Much as I love the fun stuff, just watching a DVD with my head on your lap was incredibly relaxing and sometimes it's those moments that hit me, like here's some unexpected happiness. This is just a quick note before bed but I like when I have nice entries to read over and this close to Sunday I thought I'd be freaking out but I'm good.

 **Saturday April 4**  
Everything is bought and I've checked the fridge like ten times. Just worried I won't notice something missing till the last minute. Thank you for the walk today. I'd have worked myself up into a real panic if I had hours to sit and think. This time tomorrow it'll all be over and at least I'll know if things are okay.

 **Monday April 6**  
I had to write some of this on my phone during lunch and copy it over because it kept going round in my head most of the morning.

Thank you for yesterday, for being polite when the questions became accusatory and for letting me put across my point of view first. Mam has always loved me and if it had been you answering, I think she would have thought you weren't letting me speak. When you did talk though, you explained so wonderfully why what we have works for us.

I didn't mean to sound so angry when I told her about Matt and yes I was trying to shock her, to show her that she was wrong then and she'd be wrong to think badly of you. Although I think she's still a bit upset I think she's coming round to the idea. Of course it's embarrassing to have to explain parts of it, I'm so glad it's over.

You won her over with that apple tart as far as hospitality goes and if I keep in touch more she'll see I'm good, more than good. It was a lot better than I thought it would be.

 **Wednesday April 8**  
This is challenging. I don't want anything I say to imply that what we do isn't amazing or that something has been missing but I won't fall over myself trying to make that clear. There are some fantasies I've gotten off to more than once.

The earliest one is the cringiest but it's maybe where the submissive urge took root. I think I was about eleven or twelve when I started changing my own bedsheets, convinced my mother wouldn't know why.  
  
Let me preface this by saying I knew guys can't get pregnant but I saw this film about surrogates and I used to imagine I was at a boarding school where students had babies for rich people. This was when I knew a little about sex and nothing about submission. I used to touch myself and imagine this guy being angry at me because I couldn't get pregnant and make money for the school. It's strange I know.  
  
This guy, a teacher I think, was some faceless older guy and when he was angry he'd say at least your mouth is good for something and force me. I'd seen this video that one of the boys at school had. I imagined being on my knees like the girl in the video had been and him making me. It got a lot more detailed when I found out more. I couldn't have pictured the sex properly from the start. I didn't even know how we'd do it until we got the internet. My mind always put us at the part where he was really angry at me. When I got online, it was a hell of an education.  
  
The thing that stayed with me about that was someone being forceful. I didn't even think about the consent issues at the time. I just liked the idea of being made to please him. The difference between being forceful from someone you love and someone who doesn't give a shit is vast though. I love forceful with you because it's safe.  
  
A lot of the time it's some of the stuff we do, I'm tied down or in a dark room and you just come in and use me. I love the tenderness but sometimes in my mind you just come and go leaving me to clean myself up. I don't get off to it much because I'm not allowed to wank without permission.  
  
One other recurring fantasy is you keeping me stretched with a plug or something so you can just use me whenever you want so you don't have to waste time on prep.  
  
I know you'll zero in on the words waste time but it's not that I consider myself or careful preparation a waste of time. Just that in the fantasy I don't have to do anything except please you. I'm yours whenever you're remotely horny, kneeling under the table or between your legs when you're watching TV. In some versions I'm attached to a spreader bad and you don't even fuck me, just finger me and tease me before walking away. You leave me leaning against the wall or naked in our room till you want me.  
  
Obviously we don't have huge chunks of time where we could do this but it would really hit on my humiliation kink to feel used. like I'm there for sex, to be yours.

 **Friday April 10**  
Slightly cooler today after those last two days. Enjoyed the walk yesterday and today was really quiet in work. Calm before next week's storm.

 **Saturday April 11**  
Thanks, Tom, for your thank you for breakfast in bed. I don't know that the belt is the best way to keep my hands bound but I loved the spontaneity of using what we have to hand. When I can't support myself on my hands and you're fucking me hard, it feels really good like I just have to take it and that my pleasure is incidental. It's part of what I meant in the fantasy and I don't know if that inspired this a little. Felt so good though and so floaty afterwards - I was nothing, just yours to use and then perfect pleasure and pressure till you holding me brought me back. I don't always feel like there are words to capture the feeling but it was amazing.

 **Tuesday April 28**  
Sorry for that huge gap. I know you said to include even the mundane stuff but projects are projects and with you being a rep for the Client Services side, I feel a bit silly repeating it all here. Us at work doesn't affect couple us too much I don't think.  
  
It's been so busy and I'm not trying to edit that part out or anything. I always try to document stuff that relates to us or my development as I fall ever more in love and move on. What inspired me to write today's entry was staying late with your team and the guys from Funds Admin. When we got the pizzas, I might ordinarily have just had two slices but with you there I had more. I don't know if that's because you wanted me to or I just imagined that you did. With the project stuff I knew what we had to get to, a schedule for testing. I personally think there's a chance this testing could go wrong but if the procedures are thorough enough, we'll know whether they meet their goal.

When the food arrived I felt more under scrutiny, like choosing Diet Coke was maybe being seen as me trying to cut calories even though it's what I always drink. I've felt good in relation to food lately but I somehow felt like I was being assessed, maybe just because everyone was eating more. I'm glad you didn't comment on it or if you intend to, you're obviously going to talk to me privately. It's not like before, I don't feel like I've binged and I'm just writing it cos I feel weird.

 **Friday May 1**  
London. I'd be excited if it weren't something I was volunteered for. Bit worried about morale if they've lost three people from their project team. Never easy to pick up where someone else left off, especially if they were leaving and didn't give a shit. Mark says their new hires are all working out notice elsewhere and I know they wouldn't be sending me if it weren't for the deadline but I'm going to miss you so much. Apparently I'm entitled to two lots of flights, def using one for referendum but maybe you could come over one weekend.

 **Sunday May 3**  
Think it's too late to "lose" my passport? Sorry I got upset earlier. I know you'll miss me too and work wise, I have to show willing.

 **Friday May 22**  
We've so little time together and you're making me write this. I get why since it's been so long. London is the same work with a different view. It's lonelier of course but yay for Skype.  

I didn't expect today to be so emotional but reading all the hometovote tweets just made me cry. There were people with rainbow flags on my flight today and seeing the level of support makes me cautiously optimistic. There's a lot more no posters than before I went but we shouldn't be any less than just because we love another man.  
  
It was good to come home after voting and be taken to bed. It's good to be back, even just for a weekend. London is huge and there's so much to do but I'm alone there and can't wait to be done. 

 **Sunday May 24**  
The atmosphere last night was amazing, just seeing so many happy people. It's totally worth this hangover and I have to fly back tonight but I can't think of a better use of one of my travel breaks than getting that yes vote. Even before it got late, just seeing flags and badges and people with kids and people in love. So happy with the results.

Guess when I was told I'd have two visits, I should have expected that I wouldn't get to come straight back when the deadline for this project passed. It hasn't been easy taking over someone's stuff but the docs were all good thankfully and my London boss seems happy with my work.

 **Friday June 19**  
Of course you brought my diary with you. There isn't much to say. A lot of the same work but they have a different reconciliation system so I'm actually getting to learn a bit. Can't believe my replacement bailed the week before she was due to start but I've learned how expensive London is so I can't really blame her if she can get more money with someone else. I've no finish date which I hate. You know how much I need structure and the not knowing is making me wonder. If they get someone else who has to work notice, I could be stuck. I think Dublin will say they need me back because of Alison's honeymoon but those decisions get made way higher up the food chain. I guess I'll just have to focus on working hard like I have been doing.

A lot of this is stuff we've talked or e-mailed about but I know why you want it in here.  It's always weird when you watch me write or to write about you watching me but I'm so glad you're here. You're smiling right now, spread out on the bed where I'd like to be.  
  
I was so happy when you were waiting outside the building for me, to bring you here and show you the apartment they have me staying in. I'm frustrated that the writing has to be before that bed sees some action. Don't think I'm not wondering what you'll use, couldn't put some of our usual stuff in your hand luggage. Of course we can do the tourist thing tomorrow and maybe go to a show but I missed you so much and talking every day is nothing like touching you, being kissed. Is three paragraphs enough to get you into bed? I do hope so because I want to please you but I also really want to be held down and fucked hard. I'm surprised I got anything done at work today.  
  
**Wednesday July 8**  
Today was perfect. I don't even care that I came home to rain. Seeing you at the airport with the flowers was so romantic. I'd resigned myself to dragging my bags onto the 16 and then the 66. I'm so glad it's done. I know it'll be good for my career development and getting exposure to other managers and projects raises your profile but I missed you so much. Your visit was great but too brief.

I just feel right now, settled I suppose now that I can properly be yours again. When you put me on my knees the minute we were through the door I felt fantastic. Putting my collar on in the car got me partway there but doing what you wanted me to was like tuning in a station properly. Don't take this next bit to mean that I don't care about specific acts or what you want but it was in the kneeling and the knowing, being yours to use. When I was almost gagging on your cock, it felt so good, that you wanted me and you had taken time off to collect me and it feels so good to be home.

Reading the last few entries makes it seem like nothing happened as if London wasn't this big thing but even though it's good for my career it sort of felt like we were on hold. Eating out a lot though may have actually gotten me through the last of my worries about food. Some places listed calories or had leaflets but I was able to cope, even with surprise nights out. Of course all the team had their own lives but I did get a few invites. I'm not saying that I'll just eat anything and everything now but that you won't have to consider that in every thing we plan. We can eat in restaurants where I haven't checked everything in advance, I won't binge to get back at someone who isn't even around any more.  
  
I missed you so much and thank God I'm home. 

 **Saturday July 11**  
It was nice having you to myself for the whole day. Waking up to breakfast was lovely and then sitting at your feet while we watched TV. I love your fingers in my hair or your thumb brushing my neck. That's maybe more eloquent than I could say it the other day, just being with you and that your touch grounds me. Of course I liked your fingers in other places too but it's so good to be back in this routine. Back to work on Monday and I'm glad I took the last two days off. It's not going to be like coming back from holidays to tons of e-mails but I'll bet there's lots to catch up on. I sort of put all the Dublin stuff into a folder because Mark said to ignore them unless he called me so I'll have to clear out some stuff and sort them properly. 

 **Monday July 13**  
The alarm this morning seemed like it went off just as I closed my eyes. I don't think I'll sleep tonight either and I guess I'll find out soon how often you read this because I found the rings. I don't know when you're planning to ask or if you think I'm not ready. Hint, I am. I already am committed to you and to us. Marrying you would be the greatest.

I almost didn't write it in here because it's like I'm forcing your hand but it didn't seem honest to put the box away again and pretend it wasn't this majorly exciting thing. I pulled myself back up when he made me fear him but you kept me going and helped me so much. I won't ask and I'm sorry if I ruined some big surprise. I was just trying to change the batteries in my emergency light and ordinarily the tool box might have been a good hiding place. If it's not the right time or we need to work on something first, I'll do it. I'm in this for keeps.

 **Thursday July 16**  
Alison finished up today and was so excited about her wedding. I guess I'm lucky she's getting married, it made London finally hire someone. Writing this is not a hint, though I can't pretend I've not thought about the rings since finding them. When you brought up the kink negotiation stuff again, I felt like I was being tested. I know there are some things we discussed at the start that we haven't done, that the person I've become might be ready for those things.  
  
I am better than I was this time last year, better with you. It was just the timing of it that made me wonder if we need to be doing certain things before I'm the sub you want. I know I'm loved, certain of it. I just don't know what the right answers are to be the person you want to marry. I hate the appraisal crap at work but at least they straight up tell you what you're doing well and what needs to be worked on. You tell me about the good stuff all the time but I guess I should just be glad you bought the rings. You wouldn't have done that for no reason. 

 **Saturday July 18**  
It's been a long time since I wanted to edit this diary but that last entry is unfair and maybe you haven't looked yet or maybe you've read it and think I'm being ungrateful. I know you don't always read it because it's sometimes stuff we've already talked about but I hate how I sound in that entry. You have corrected me when I've needed it, given me goals for dealing with my food issues and helped me get used to being restrained for long periods of time. Those are all things we've worked on and I made it seem like you hadn't.

I really don't want to spoil any surprise but I think we'll need to talk when you wake up. I know I'm supposed to talk to you when I feel off centre and for the past few days I haven't been able to right myself.

 **Sunday July 19**  
I should have added this last night but I needed to be held, needed not to have to document the moment as it was happening. Yesterday was quite a day; tears, pleasure, pain, peace. I promise I won't ask again and I'll let the proposal be a surprise but I feel grounded, assured of where we're headed.

You don't always share your logic but I guess the ropes were so I'd have to be moved by you, positioned, pampered and pleasured. If my hands were free, I'd have tried to give back and you made it clear that I don't need to do that.

I saw your face as you were reading and felt such guilt for having made it seem like you're not doing enough. I am sorry for that and I love you. When we were done and you put your arms round me before undoing the ropes I wanted to hug you back and it really reinforced that sometimes I need to accept what you do for me without doing anything in return.

The worst part was making you cry when I asked how I was failing you. I haven't seen that since the time I told you about the extent of Matt's controlling behaviour and I hated that I made you feel as if you hadn't done something or were missing a step with me. I do get that you see my issues as a reflection of your behaviour as my Dom but I don't want that and I will speak up instead of trying to second guess things.

I'm willing to work on what we discussed and now I get that negotiations aren't a one time thing. You seemed better today and it was nice to just spend the day doing nothing. I'm curious to see what this task list will be like but I'll trust your judgement and see what comes of it.

 **Monday July 20**  
I seem to always complain about Mondays but today wasn't too bad. Our project had some delays with Agnieszka not being able to run it fully while I was away but we have our first batch of testers organised and we met with their managers today to go over everything.

 **Wednesday July 22**  
Home before you again. I wouldn't have minded waiting around but it gave me time to do the first three tasks. I still don't like hoovering but I liked marking it off. This might just be a clever ploy to get out of housework but I'm excited to show you my list.

 **Friday July 24**  
I was nervous about the restaurant last night but once we ordered it was actually okay. Thanks for checking in with me and not watching every mouthful. Dessert was the only real challenge, empty calories. The chocolate fudge cake tasted amazing though. Guess I moaned a little too appreciatively from the way you smirked at me. You were so proud of me and I'm proud of me too. I expected more panic or feeling bad afterwards but I was good. Thanks for treating me.

 **Monday July 27**  
A year, a whole year. I love you and can't believe how far we've come in a year. It hasn't always been easy and my card said a lot of what you mean to me but I will always be so thankful to you for showing me that Matt wasn't a real Dom, just an asshole masquerading as one. He doesn't deserve a mention but to go from where I was to the place I'm in now has a lot to do with finding in you a loving Dom who sees submission as a gift.

Speaking of gifts, I can't wait to see what that paddle feels like but I loved the voucher too, nicely timed with HMV's sale. I'm glad you liked the cuff-links and tie. It's a really good tie, can't go using that one as a blindfold.

Thanks again for dinner. I really appreciate all that you do, especially since it's so late when we get home from work.

 **Wednesday July 29**  
It's weird to write about your department more than mine but it was all anyone could talk about today. Can't believe Dieter and Grace did it at work. I guess booking the conference room seemed like a good idea but at work.  
  
I guess she'll at least have to move off his team so he's not doing her appraisals. I bet he'll be in trouble with Liz though. I'm sure Ian wishes he hadn't found them. Imagine having to face a manager after seeing them in action.

I've never understood the thrill of maybe being caught and it's so unprofessional.

 **Friday July 31**  
I wasn't really surprised when you told me about them both having to go to HR. It's a shame that they want to take Rachel off your team though and swap them. It's not really fair when she has a good relationship with her clients but I suppose Grace has to go somewhere.

 **Saturday August 1**  
So this task is a little unusual but I'll try. It feels like you want me to critique your flogging technique. Guess I was a little too blissed out earlier to give a coherent review. Bliss is good, always good. I don't always like the sting, prefer the thuddy impact but when it's stingy on sore thighs or on my arse it can be good, sharp pain cutting through the heat and floatiness (I know that's vague). I don't much worry about patterns of strokes and know I'm in safe hands.

Sometimes there's anticipation, when you're touching me and I don't know where you'll strike. It sends me down every time though, till there's just sensation and happiness. It's cathartic when it makes me cry and I love afterwards when your touch is close to too much on sensitive skin and I shiver as your hands skim over my body. I love how you hold me every time, whispering praise as you check in with me.

None of this really addresses technique, except to say that I love what you do. There are probably Doms who could make a show of their movements or how they wield it but I don't need that.

 **Sunday August 2**  
This isn't like a usual Sunday where I dread the alarm, because of the bank holiday. I'm lucky that my team never have to work it but selfishly I'm also glad that you're not in. I'll get to wake up with you, like I've done so many times before. I really missed that when I was away.

I enjoyed yesterday, the service aspects of it and tasks not being boring housework but doing them for you. It's a part of submission that I didn't really think about before, being in that mindset whenever we're home. I know I had concerns when we talked about it, like I'd have to be on the whole time in case you asked something of me. It's been good though, like this low level submission where I can feel some of the bliss that a scene usually brings on a smaller scale. Maybe it was easier being in that frame of mind post flogging but even when I started the list I felt good being able to show you what I'd done.

I don't think I'd want to be 24/7 because at work I need to be thinking about work, even if my mind sometimes strays in pleasant ways. I like that you don't just spring things on me mid-conversation or when we're watching TV or something. It's worked so far, your hand on my neck to get my attention and when you call me boy in that soft tone, it just does something to me - something that was previously just about sexual anticipation. I liked that some of your requests weren't on the list because it felt more in the moment than a pre-written list. It's drawing on everything I feel about being yours. Thank you for that, for the security I feel with you.

 **Monday August 3**  
Today was amazing, I am so lucky to be yours. You took everything I asked for and got it just right. I don't know why having to ask permission for every little thing felt so good but since it was all your decision, I didn't have to do anything except be good for you. I didn't know you could get it up so much in one day but just recalling it all is turning me on. The way you had the corner of the sitting room set up worked so well, a holding area till you needed me. Being plugged after being fucked hit my humiliation kink perfectly and it was so good just to be taken for use when you wanted. The things you said to me made me feel so good, being the perfect hole for you to fuck. I know I'm more than that but in that scenario it was just right, to feel like you wanted me because I let you do what you want, that you were hard for me. The oral was the roughest you've ever been and it felt like an achievement to just take it and not puke on you. I was unsure of the pictures afterwards, wanting so badly to wipe my face first but I look so used, so messy with my lips slick and sticky and my eyes watering. If I were looking at a picture of someone else like that I'd be thinking what a lucky boy.

I am lucky to have a Dom who understands my needs, who helps me explore what I want and need. Thank you so much for pushing me a little, making me feel so good. You've shown me that it's safe to explore humiliation, that it's okay to want it some ways and not others. I don't feel ashamed when you talk to me the way you did, I feel pleased that I can provoke that reaction.

The spanking in combination with your words made me lose control a little and if you hadn't given permission, I might have ended up coming anyway. Maybe you knew that but if you did you won't tell me. After we were done I didn't want to talk right away but just lying with you really made me feel loved. I feel so spoiled by how you indulged me for the day and I just want to make a note about being fed. It didn't make me worry at all and it wasn't till afterwards that I realised that. I wasn't tracking how much I ate, just enjoying you feeding me. I had the best day, Tom.

 **Wednesday August 5**  
I didn't expect that you would want to do anything tonight, since we got home so late. You were hard already when you made me kneel and I liked it but I like slow sometimes too. In feeling used I don't get to be tender with you. I couldn't tease you with slow licks and make you moan. I love doing those things for you. Afterwards when you got me to strip off and wank for you, I really liked being watched - the way you knelt too, so close but not touching me. The way you look at me sometimes makes me feel loved, blessed, adored and a hundred other nice things.

Writing this while you make dinner and feeling very happy.

 **Saturday August 8**  
More leaving drinks last night. I swear we're headed for a new record with five people leaving in one day. At least they agreed to combine drinks and it was nice to have the two departments out together. I mean I like most of your team but it was nice to talk to some of the cash guys too. Aidan was really helpful on our last project and confided in me that Jennifer bought him a collar. When I saw him at the munch I was so nervous till you pointed out that he might worry too. I know Dublin is small but I still was surprised to see someone from work there. He seems really happy and I was able to tell him I am too.

I've been thinking about your request for a random date night and the answer's still yes. I thought about it like you asked but I would be nervous in an excited way not dreading it. Of course if I knew I was going for dinner I might have a small lunch or something but I wouldn't feel obliged to go or that it was anything other than a surprise.

I've written about feeling tested but I don't see this as one, more as a marker of progress.

 **Tuesday August 11**  
So this is version five, the one you finally agreed was a good explanation. I don't usually feel resentful but having to keep explaining it and have you correct me made me feel embarrassed and like I wasn't getting it but this is it without my feelings.

Jane and Sam asked if I wanted to go for a drink.

I asked you if it was okay.

You said yes ~~but~~ and we'd need to talk later.

I cancelled on them and came home.

You explained that I don't need to ask permission.

I want so much to add to this but I know why you want me to list the facts without any meanings being read into your response.

I'll phrase things differently in future but I liked that you listened about why I thought I might be in trouble.

 **Friday August 14**  
Your birthday is next week and I hope you'll like your gifts. We were still new for your birthday last year and I know you so much better now.

Glad to know that we got sign off from two teams on the process flows. We did get some feedback on making screen shots clearer so things may change before your department tests. Not sure though - all agreed at manager's level.

I'm looking forward to our hike tomorrow.

 **Sunday August 16**  
Thought I'd sleep well after yesterday till next door decided to be so fucking loud. I mean who hoovers at nine on a Sunday? I tried to get back asleep but ended up giving up, lucky you and your ability to sleep through loud noises. 

I wish it'd been a little nicer weather yesterday and we should have known that Glendalough would be full of tourists but I still enjoyed it. Having sandwiches and tea from the lid of a thermos reminds me of holidays when I was a kid or trips to the beach. I loved Bray for the amusements but it wasn't a great beach. Skerries had these rides that were fun and it always seemed like it was miles away.

I'm glad mam is being a bit better at keeping in touch now. There were one or two comments about my collar but I explained that as a gift from you it was very important to me. She seems to get that, I think.

I hope you won't mind me going ahead and having breakfast without you. Not sure when you'll be up and I'm kinda hungry now. I'll make a second lot for you.

 **Tuesday August 18**  
Didn't think I'd be so keen to go for another walk but it was such a gorgeous day. It was nice to sit out at lunch, get some air. Without giving anything away I will say I'm getting nervous about Thursday. I want you to have a great day.

 **Saturday August 22**  
We don't do it much but I love the noises you made last night. When you're being fucked it's breathy moans and gasps, at least when you're not directing the whole thing.  
  
I love looking in your eyes as you give yourself over to pleasure. I love to make you feel good so don't think that something like that has to be an order or that I'll only top if you make it one. Of course I love being fucked but not exclusively and you shouldn't have to miss out or think about filling my needs all the time. I mean I love you for it and I know you don't switch off from being my Dom but I had this moment last night where you looked so completely gorgeous - stroking your cock as I fucked you and your eyes met mine. That gets me off, Tom, knowing I can make you feel so good. Thrilled you enjoyed your birthday too and that the restaurant was nice. You deserve all the best things.

 **Friday August 28**  
So glad it's Friday and it was a nice evening in the end. I'm so glad to be off work for a while even if I don't know where. I know you've given me instructions for the morning and I'm excited a sort of nervous excitement.

 **Sunday September 13**  
Little did I know what I had in store when I wrote about nervous excitement. I'm still surprised you didn't get me to bring this with me but given how little you had me pack at all, it's not surprising.  
  
I can't sum it all up here but it was so good to be in it rather than doing separate reflections. Having to come out of that place of just being your sub to write would have lessened its impact I think because getting that run of days where all I had to do was follow your every order and not do anything without permission felt amazing. Parts of it have run together but I had the best time. Obviously sleeping was like a reset but from your first touch each day it was so easy to get back into that headspace, I'm going to miss it.

I'm so glad it was a remoteish cottage and not a hotel room, no neighbours to scare with the noises when I was being flogged (you know which time). That's the closest I've come to safewording in a long time but I didn't force myself through anything, it was more sinking into the heat and the strikes and hearing you tell me how much you liked looking at me. It hurt, really hurt at times, but your voice and your touch kept me grounded and I was glad you didn't hold me back. I know I assured you of that when you took care of me afterwards but I'm writing it down anyway.   
  
To have you hold me when I cried afterwards made me feel safe and proud of having turned you on. I know you didn't get me to do anything but I could feel you were hard and I would have taken care of it even if it meant some discomfort, though I can't deny that lying on the cold sheet on my front was the most comfortable considering the circumstances.

Thank you so much for planning our holiday and making sure everything was set up to allow me the most amazing experience. I won the Dom lottery with you and I don't care how mushy that sounds. You constantly give me what I need.

 **Monday September 14**  
I'm glad we came back on Saturday night so I could kind of get back to business as usual, not that I did my best work today. I kept thinking of moments from our time away and had to tell people we rented a quiet cottage and just went for some walks. The walks are the only thing I could mention really and I think people must have thought we had a really boring time.

I'm guessing you had more e-mails than me, luckily our project doesn't require me much at this stage.

 **Wednesday September 16**  
I'm only writing this super quick so I can get back in bed with you. I didn't expect the ring tonight, thought perhaps while we were away but even though you knew my answer you still managed to look nervous. I can't wait to marry you, Tom.

 **Saturday September 19**  
I'm glad we went and told the parents in person. Your mam and dad seemed happier for us and I don't know if mine still have worries or reservations but mam's not the type to pretend to be happy so I think it'll be okay. We were both like a couple of school-kids being sent to the office. Your mam is always so nice but I could hear your nerves in your voice.

Dinner was nice too, a good way to round out the day. I did think about that cake afterwards, but not in the way I would once have. Sharing it with you is world's away from being criticised for even having biscuits with a cup of tea. For the last while I've actually been enjoying food and when we do get married we can have the biggest most luscious cake ever.

 **Tuesday September 22**  
I didn't expect Mark to notice but he was really nice and reminded me about the extra week's holiday in the year you get married. I know we haven't set a date but we should start saving and planning. I don't want it to be over the top expensive but I want you to have the day you deserve and possibly the honeymoon too. You do so much and it needs to be about what we both want.  
  
**Friday September 25**  
Glad to have this week over with even though it wasn't mega stressful. I managed to fix the report that I almost bored you to sleep talking about last night. I really don't know how Mark retrieved the wrong one but luckily I was able to add his updates to the current version.

Got an e-mail from Keith who I worked with in London. He's coming here for his stag do next March and asked me to go. I kind of should to make the effort at keeping in touch but I can't imagine I'll have the best night when I don't know his mates. Two of his team will be there though. Maybe I can steer them away from Temple Bar, stop them getting ripped off.  

 **Sunday September 27**  
I'm so glad you're feeling better. I think migraine hangovers are totally a thing from what my cousin Aoife says. I'm sorry you felt so crap yesterday and you didn't have to apologise for me sleeping in the spare room. It was easier than trying not to make any noise or disturb you.

 **Tuesday September 29**  
Enjoyed yesterday's walk. Weird having this random sunny day out of nowhere but it was great. Enjoyed the ice-cream too, haven't had a 99 in years.

 **Thursday October 1**  
Nearly midnight and should be in bed. The alarm is going to come as a shock. I just wanted to write something about being blindfolded again for a sustained period of time. It was shorter than when we were away but so good. Even when it was in between sex and you were just stroking my hair or kissing me, I felt so good sort of like tingly relaxed good. At first I was focusing on every little sound but it's easier now to stop myself doing that and pay attention to your voice and your touch without trying to anticipate what will happen. Loved it.

 **Monday October 5**  
Thank you for the cookery lesson, your measurements are so much more guesswork than mine. I really noticed the difference with the from scratch sauce even if taste testing it got messy. Moments like that aren't part of my submissive journey but they're part of our story, coupley moments I suppose. I had this moment when you swore through tears that the onions weren't making you cry where my stomach just lurched, not in a vomity way. I love that time as much as your take charge time.

 **Wednesday October 7**  
Baking lesson slightly less successful. We wouldn't get far on Bake Off. Some of their bakes look amazing. Still the cupcakes tasted nice, even if we never got round to icing them.

 **Friday October 9**  
So looking forward to a lie-in but tonight was great, watching crap TV and having a take away.

 **Sunday October 11**  
Spanking is amazing. Sorry if you need more eloquence than that. It's not new of course but I sometimes forget how good I feel afterwards, sore and tender but safe and cared for.

 **Wednesday October 14**  
Was a little nervous getting called into a meeting, think everyone has that oh shit moment. Last meeting meant London but it was just appraisal stuff, that Ian wanted to have some input even though I wasn't in London for most of the year. I'm glad they're including that because he told me multiple times how good a job I was doing. Mid-year was sort of a non-event with agreement to focus on year end and catch up on goals I couldn't work on while I was away but year end is the one that they care about for pay so I'm happy it will take London into account.

 **Thursday October 15**  
Didn't expect Aldi to be so busy and I was so happy to linger in the bread  & biscuit aisle to let that crying child get ahead of us. I thought I saw you checking what I was putting in the trolley but you didn't comment. The lean mince is for taste reasons, not weight related. It's honestly been quite a while since I've stressed about calories. I might be deprogrammed. We've now been together longer than I was with him but his lessons really took root. Not sure if it's to do with positive or negative stimuli but it took time to accept that I was free to make my own choices. I read back on my essay the other day and didn't judge myself too harshly but binge eating was hardly the way to go.  
  
**Saturday October 17**  
Sunny day but cold. Enjoyed our walk and going back to bed when we got home. I prefer seeing your face but fucking you from behind felt pretty great, each moan and gasp spurring me on. When you reached back to hold yourself open even more I swear I had to start reciting times tables to slow things down. I love being held but it's nice to hold you sometimes and I hope you know that I love taking care of you when you'll let me.

 **Sunday October 18**  
I swear we got enough stuff for trick or treaters the other night but we can always eat the stuff that doesn't get used or bring it into work. I deliberately bought jellies I don't like but I'm kind of hoping we get to keep some of the Fudges.

 **Tuesday October 20**  
Spent the day going over reports of the testing, some departments had better results than others. Some of the feedback was kind of vague so I have to talk to those people tomorrow and Friday. That's the good thing about projects, getting to work with lots of people.

 **Saturday October 24**  
Enjoyed our morning and your reward scheme for chores. The things I would do for that tongue of yours, I'd even iron and you know how much I hate that. You know it makes me beg and plead for more even though I know you won't cave. By the time I finally was allowed come I felt amazing.

 **Tuesday October 27**  
It's getting dark so early now but I loved being all warm and cosy while we watched Guardians of The Galaxy.

 **Friday October 30**  
Wasn't really sure about this whole costume day at work, certainly couldn't have worn my tomorrow's costume there but it was fun in the end. Some people made tons of effort. You looked super cute as Chuck, even if lots of people haven't watched the show.

 **Saturday October 31**  
I'm pretty sure that Dorothy and George Michael are a little on the nose for a gay couple but even though I was nervous I really liked my costume in the end. I loved you shaving my legs and sucking my cock afterwards. I'm glad you didn't go with Last Christmas bad hair George Michael, couldn't have found a jumper hideous enough. I assume Derek will have an amazing costume since he keeps talking about it.

 **Sunday November 1**  
Not quite hungover but happy to have a lazy day. Waking up with mascara on my pillow and dress bunched up around my waist was not very comfortable but I was just too tired to get changed when we got home. I'm only doing this now because you reminded me after I had my shower. I am really grateful that you're doing dinner. It's getting foggy out and it's cold so chicken stew sounds perfect.

I did have a good time last night and had a few comments about my collar not being part of Dorothy's costume but I didn't care. I wanted people to know I was yours. Can't believe it was so packed and that I drank some of whatever was in that bowl, think it started out as Fat Frog but people kept adding drinks. I could have kissed Derek when he brought out hot food. Nothing as good as cocktail sausages when you're drunk. I like that I know a few of your friends well and that they see me as a permanent fixture. I know we haven't set a date but if we're married next year, maybe we can do a couple costume.

 **Monday November 2**  
Still slightly misty and I had about four Fudges with my tea while you were off being healthy at the gym. Maybe if we'd gone out later on Saturday, we might have been able to hand out more stuff.

I'm not worried about that many or anything, just writing it. It's not like Easter and Christmas will be manageable too I'm sure.

 **Thursday November 5**  
It's almost 3 so maybe this should be in tomorrow's entry. I lay next to you for hours failing to sleep. It may surprise you to know that there's fuck all to watch at this time. Euronews or infomercials are my options. Not sure why I can't sleep. Hope it's just a one off. Work should be fun but at least it's a quiet day.

 **Saturday November 7**  
Loved last night, being taken care of and basically being massaged to sleep. I was tired but when you were working on my back I was able to sort of zone out and not think about things. Felt like a lazy day today but we do need to stock up so maybe we'll go to Aldi when you're done in the shower.

11ish  
Being cuffed as soon as we got back and being fed was lovely. When you asked if I wanted to kneel while we watched TV I wasn't sure but it was okay once I knew I could move a bit. Kneeling usually leads to the good stuff but I enjoyed it, having your fingers in my hair just being relaxed while we watched Strictly. If it was purely kneeling with no chance to sit I couldn't have lasted, but sitting at your feet was just as good for me.

 **Tuesday November 10**  
Lot of meetings going on today at work, hopefully nothing that means big changes for us.

 **Wednesday November 11**  
I know this is about me or us but it sort of effects me since I may end up working more. Told you the details already but more putting it here to reflect on.

Mark's going. Jen found his resignation letter on the printer and told me which I kind of didn't want to know. I'm okay with secrets that people choose to confide but not knowing stuff they haven't chosen to share with me. I ended up avoiding him for the day, not obviously I don't think but skipping afternoon coffee. I guess we'll find out officially soon. Of course I'm not sure who'll replace him, when he's going. I think at his level they have to give more notice than us. Jen's not even in our team but wanted to chat about it. I don't like uncertainty but hopefully whoever replaces him will see our track record of projects and look at our appraisals etc.

 **Saturday November 14**  
Waking up to the news about Paris was scary stuff. I mean stuff is happening all the time but with Sky News' cycle of accounts and footage it just seems closer to home. Anywhere can be a target and we're lucky to live where we do.

They did mention other bombings too and it's the futility that gets to me, people just shopping, at a market, out for the night. Switching off the TV was a good idea, won't get answers for a while yet.

 **Tuesday November 17**  
Officially found out about Mark and he's staying till mid-January. I like knowing that for sure. I can postpone my worry till then and it means someone new won't be doing my end of year appraisal.

 **Friday November 20**  
I'm glad you liked dinner. I love you looking after me but it's nice to return the favour sometimes.

 **Monday November 23**  
It's dark so early now all the time and cold but no I won't spend the whole time complaining. The cold has it's perks, I liked cuddling on the couch. I know you asked me to write something about wants while you were showering but there isn't much to say. I love what we do, obviously liking some things more than others. I've tried to say it before that I don't think there's something we aren't doing that I yearn to try. 

I want to be settled with you, we're already pretty close to that. I didn't think I could go from where I was last year to this. Giving someone our time frame and telling them we're getting married probably sounds too quick but not for me. I have all I need in you.

 **Thursday November 26**  
Work was quieter than usual because the conference call with Boston was cancelled due to Thanksgiving.

 **Saturday November 28**  
Thanks for following my lead in Easons and just walking away from the till. I'll go back for that book you wanted some other day. Dublin is small and I was bound to see Emma someday, but I just had to get away before she saw me. She might have blanked me, I don't know. I did feel so close to her at one time and after coming out in school she stood by me. Some of the lads were fine but others drifted away like they thought it was catching.

I could understand someone being concerned but hated the way she wouldn't accept my explanation, like I was trying to cover up some sort of abuse. Being your submissive means sometimes I have bruises or marks but not anywhere she could see and I'd never given her cause to worry. I wish she would have listened.

The rest of the day was good though and it was nice to get a lie-in after my series of late nights.

 **Saturday December 12**  
So today's the first day in a while that I've actually felt completely better. I'll be happy to move back from the spare room. I always forget in between colds just how miserable they can make you, when you toss and turn all night because your nose is blocked and swallowing feels like you've got thorns in your throat. I'm glad I didn't make you sick and thanks for being such a good nurse. I'd rather not have been sick at all but at least it was before Christmas. I appreciate what you said about me not eating much, you wouldn't be you if you didn't worry. It's just when you can't smell anything and your throat hurts, nothing really appeals. Yay for ice-cream though, the only soothing thing. I'm going to cook you a nice meal later because you were so nice to me.  
  
**Sunday December 13**  
When you bent me over the couch last night, I thought you were going to fuck me. The spanking though was so good in the end. I think it took longer than usual to settle but I couldn't get into it till my boxers were off and you pulled me down onto your lap. I don't know how much sense my entries will make when I look back over them. I'll just say it was an amazing day.  
  
Today has been uneventful but lovely, just to watch crappy TV all day and have pizza for dinner. It's almost midnight and I know I'll be tired tomorrow but there was no point in me going up with you when I'm not tired yet. Think I might watch a relaxation thing on Youtube.

 **Monday December 14**  
Thanks for walking in the rain with me. It's 5:30am so technically Tuesday I suppose. I've been awake a while so the walk helped with getting to sleep but not staying asleep. Got to get back into a proper pattern of sleep so I'm not always tired in work.

 **Wednesday December 16**  
Looking forward to dinner, even if you wouldn't let me help. You asked me to write about my birthday. It's weird having it so close to Christmas and I'm glad I was able to book Monday off to make it a long weekend but I'm sure just spending it with you will be great. I really enjoyed last year's even though we were newer then. It's always been a bit associated with tinsel, trees, too many chocolates and Christmas songs but I've never known it any different. There was a kid in my class in primary who was born on Christmas Day, he probably gets forgotten about from relatives and stuff.

I'm not going to say I don't care about presents, everyone loves presents. It's cliché I know, but the thought does count and last year for you to let me choose our new toys and touch base on our kink negotiations was great for me. I've had a whole year since of knowing you'll always listen to me and that when I want to explore things, you're willing to discuss limits and scenarios. Back then we were a few months in but I knew I didn't want out and hoped you were in this for keeps.

 **Monday December 21**  
Thank you for my gifts and leaving so quietly that I could have a lie-in. The card is beautiful, well your words I mean. I loved my birthday weekend and am looking forward to dinner later.

I kind of expected a redo of our holidays, lots of being used but I'm not complaining. The orgasm denial was not unexpected but everything was so tender, being massaged your fingers brushing through my hair during the in between times. Can't believe I cried from frustration at everything being so slow. I've said how I don't always realise I'm falling till I'm aware of coming back. You know how much I love that and I don't know if that was your goal but thank you.

 **Wednesday December 23**  
It's so peaceful just sitting with the tree lights on. I hope you're enjoying your team night out.

 **Sunday December 27**  
Thanks for my gifts and I'm glad you liked what I got you. Obviously great minds think alike but we'll get to go away twice now.

The new tag for my collar is beautiful and I'm not sure that I needed to know that candy cane dildos are a thing but the glass has a great feel to it. I know the new flogger will sting but I'm looking forward to it.  
  
I loved your reaction to the clamps and could see you plotting. The set we have are great but apparently the adjustable pressure makes a world of difference.

Christmas Day itself was nice. I liked having dinner here with you, even if it means dinner with my parents on Tuesday and yours on New Year's Day. We could work to our schedule and even though telly wasn't especially great, I just wanted that time with you.

I guess I should have expected the new diary. There were times where I wasn't that great at keeping it this year. I mean there wouldn't have been much point in documenting the routine of London but it does help to view things from where I am now. I anticipate far fewer food issues next year, if any. I love where we are and I'm looking forward to my appraisal before Mark leaves. I assume it'll be good with the work I've done this year.

 **Wednesday December 30**  
Work was so quiet today which was good because we got back from my mam and dad's so late. She's really trying I think. She's going to be stuck with you and it was nice not to have any tension.

 **Thursday December 31**  
Nice to be allowed leave early today. Glad it'll just be us for the countdown. I blushed when I got your text earlier but seeing in the new year tied up sounds awesome. I'd let you do pretty much anything as long as I'm presentable for dinner tomorrow.  
  
I've come so far in terms of dealing with blindfolds for hour after hour or being restrained and I can't think of a better way to start 2016.


End file.
